When I was 7, my parents changed my school to a primary school nearby our new home. Atfirst I though it was a nice school, and I tried to make friends with the people around me. Turns out everyone there was harsh and cruel.

They would just glance at you and then they would just look away in a manner as if they're disgusted by you. They won't share with you, they don't want anything to do with you because you're just not cool. And they would take every oppurtunity to insult you. - I was a victim of bullying.

In my first day of school during my second year, I ran away from school because I can't stand their bullying anymore. I remember I was late and I tried to find a sit in my new class, no one would offer me a sit, we could atleast share, but no, no one. Then I saw an extra chair and I asked either I could borrow it? They didn't answer and when their friend came in they quickly told them to sit on it. I was confused at that time and I didn't know what I did wrong. I ran home.

Did I do something wrong? Is being friendly a crime in our society? Why does everyone hate me so much? I asked myself. A group of bullies liked to keep books that they wrote to insult about me. They draw explicit pictures of me, and I was always the bad guy in all of their fable stories. One time they all ganged up on me and told a teacher that I threw water over one of their mates when I didn't.

The teacher was close to that student so they all brought me to see the principle and convinced him that I needed disciplinary actions. I received my punishment and I went home and cried as hard as I could to try to wash about all of the suffering. When my parents asked why did my eyes looked red I told them I was sick. I lied. The bullying was not only in the school grounds, the bullies told their parents that I was someone naughty and that I would commit crime in the future. One of the parents confronted me and told me he wanted to see my parents. While his son sat in the car smiling.

Atfirst I was scared because no one would trust me, but I have HAD IT. Enough is enough. I will not be bullied around anymore I told myself in my heart. I literally yelled back at the parent and he was speechless. I told him what in the manner of coming to confront a young eleven year old boy like me personally about issues that I don't even have? I mean do you have evidence? Or are you just stucking up to your blardy fat and obese child? - He ran back to his car.

I have had it! I took all of their hatred books towards me and burned them and teared them to shreds. I was literally angry, and this time I wasn't friendly to them anymore and I got into a small fight with one of their 'leader', I released all my anger at him until he told me to stop. And it was lucky I did or I would have pushed him off the stairs. But I didn't cause I know that was a wrong thing to do. I apologized, but he didn't accept my apology. Its okay I though, as long as I am true to myself.

After some deep reflecting, I found some qualities in myself that made me happy. I expressed these attributes and a slight impulse told me that, these bullies who just puts people down are lower than the low. Starting from that moment I look at them as if they were garden slugs, lazy, posers, self-proclaimed popular and a waste for environment space. I realized they were as boring as heck, they enjoyed skateboarding at that time but all they could do was just flip a skateboard, they couldn't even ride it properly. And also their hangout spot is just under the stairs beside of a drain.

I figured it would be best not to be like them and I was glad I didn't. I met new friends around my neighbourhood and they fiercely defend me against these morons. I was happy then, I had my own circle and I wanted to preserve that moment.

Care to know what happened to these bullies from the days? Well one of them had skin cancer and a case of obesity. The last time I saw him and he tried to be a cool 'hiphop' daddy. LOL, pathetic. One of them got sooo tanned that he looks like a burnt satay. I mean seriously, he would be the perfect example of 'ugly' ( Not that I dislike ugly people, but I can't help but to taunt him for revenge ) and then one of them gets braces, and suffered some freak growth or something, he looks like a cross between a dwarf and a hat stand. And what about the teacher that helped these bullies? Well he became a Moral teacher but recently I saw him, he looked extremly miserable, like, eye strains, dried lips, he looked as if he just came from his grave. I always though, karma got them just in favour of me.

Either way, I hope they learn their lesson from bullying someone whos innocent. Right now I m happily within my circle of loved ones and I want it preserved that way. So if any of you are getting bullied, or you know someone whos getting bullied, don't watch in silence. Do something about it. Tell someone. Get support and trust. Reflect your attributes. Defend yourself and your friends. Avoid fights and ignore it even if they call you names. Bullies are NOTHING to you. They are not worth a pebble for you to listen to. They just say bad things to make them feel great. Remember, you're only judged by what you do, not your face, not your personality, nothing else. Everyone talks bad about somebody else, but never realize what that person feels. You're beautiful and unique in your own way, don't ever ever forget that!

Today I just asked myself the one of the hardest questions. 'What exactly is memories?', I rolled my eyes and layed there on my bed wondering what exactly IS memories. Ofcourse, any guy who passed in science could tell you its an organism's way of retaining and storing information, but to our humane way of life, what does it REALLY means?

Well .. I think memories are .. seeds. Yes, I know it might sound silly but it makes great sense to me. You store your most precious and most traumatic moments in a similar way a plant saves energy to produce its seeds. Soon you would have feelings for your memories much in the way a plant protects its to-be offsprings. Your memories are in a dormant and calm state, and it is left to germinate in the ovary, know as the mind. By a drop and flicker of one's tears, only can these seeds be released to grow in everyone else's mind. Analogous to how a seed would rapidly grow to the first drop of rain water.

"Take my seeds and plant it in the garden of Memoria,
cry for the sake of my death only can you let the seeds grow,
slowly by slowly, fold by fold can these seeds begin to grow,
And at its place, the tree of Truth is born. "

Just felt like saying that. Who knows? When my death comes perhaps these words would come of value.

Labels: sweet

Have you ever gotten one of these dreams that always happens again and again? Everything is exactly the same and you would never be able to change anything in it unlike other dreams? Well I have, I have two dreams that I get often actually. I am going to be talking about one of them here while the other in another post.

The dream beings like this. I would wake up in a dense forest of neatly placed bamboo trees. For some reason I would run and you could see silhouttes of shadows moving then I would fall to a floor of plated marbles. In the right would be a dainty black piano. Behind of it is a long wall with doors of various shapes and sizes. Some were wooden, some were metal. Some would bare symbols like the 'love' symbol. Some would bare signs like "Beware .." Then I would just be warped back to the area where I woke up in the bamboo forest, and behind me would be a pink or sometimes light blue key that would multiply into thousands, extended over me and it would start to chase me ..

The ball of keys would eventually crush on me and I would wake up panting for air and sweating profusely. In between the whole dream would be flashes of a small lorry toy I still have that my parents bought me when I was at the age of seven. And sometimes, the small lorry would be in my hands, it was just about the size of your nails, and I would smile everytime I see it in my dreams.

It might sound strange when I explain it in words, but hey all dreams are strange. I've talked to some people including my parents and relatives about this. I believe that during periods ( represented by the bamboo forest ) in my life I would have to choose ( represented by the keys ) between several choices ( represented by doors ). But there would always be someone there to guide me ( represented by the piano ) and the choices would be choosen depending on my memories ( represented by the flashes of the small toy lorry ), however if I fail to choose the right choice, there would be consequences ( represented by crushing under the balls of keys ). I also believe that the shadows in the bamboo forests would be people that wants to put me down, that can't keep promises, that is just selfish for their own sake.

Thats what I think honestly, and personally after I understood what it meant, I get them less often, and now, almost never. Either way I think its amazing how a simple lesson could be hidden within a strange dream like this.

There I stood typing out my IC number before nervously sending it. My hand shaked constantly and a cold sweat ran down my spine, I sat there waiting with anxious doubt that I would probably be choosen for the National Service Programme.

"You have one new message"

My heart beat, and I grabbed the phone as fast as I could and opened the message. My face went pale. My blood vessels constricted and I stood there frozen in time.

"Tahniah! -insert really private and confidential info here- telah dipilih untuk menyertai PLKN Siri 6/2009"

A tear wanted to shed, I had no other choice, I felt like a cornered prey waiting to be devoured because theres nothing I could do. There on the screen, on my msn, my idiotic friend (Hint: His name rhymes with Lemon) giggled and laughed virtually. I didn't know what to say. How do I tell this to my mom and dad? How would they take it? Will my family and friends look down on me as the little black sheep who was unlucky enough to end up on the death list? I asked myself what did I do to deserve this? Even though I m partially atheist I prayed to god the night before, saying that I personally wouldn't like to go and it was best if I didn't go, but it was at his hand of decision to make that decision for me.

At that moment I didn't know who to believe, god? SAVE ME. It rang through my mind. My parents saw me hitting my forehead against the keyboard and asked whats wrong. I showed them my phone message without saying a thing. They both got mixed feelings. My mom was like "OMG WHY ! WHYYY!!@" (Not so dramatic lah. ) and my dads like " YES! YEEEES! HES FINALLY GONNA BE A MAN!" ( PS: He really did say that. ) I didn't know who to talk to cause my mom was like the most depressed and wilting willow you can find and my dad is filled with glorious sunshine. My mom hit him with a pillow.

But personally now, I believe its faith, I have no other choice, I just have to adapt and endure it. Perhaps I will actually learn something instead of screaming on the top of my lungs that theres a leech on my elbow? Maybe. Maybe not. But rest assure I will be very home sick no matter how hard headed I am to hide these feelings. I once went through a camp for prefects just for one night and I couldn't sleep knowing that I am wasting a precious night without my family. And I m worried I might never be able to see them again .. never to pet my dogs fur .. never to go online and prevent Andrew from watching pokemon .. never to see my mom and dad in the dim of dawn.

Right now, the only thing I wanted to do is to try to slowly express my nervous and anxious feelings over NS and become optimistic. The only sheild that I want to carry into the NS camp is the fact that I know my family and friends would think about me every night I am not home. This is truly the wish I want, for I do not want to be forgotten by my family and friends. (Accept my brother, he can have the computer to himself for 3 months, sheet! have to delete private files@! ) But if any family or friends who is reading this, or atleast you, as a stranger, please think about me during my days in training during the night. I could never sleep knowing that I am forgotten. Please help me fulfill this wish ..

I've grown up knowing and believing the fact that I have past lives. Some people choose not to accept and believe this due to the fact that it isn't logical but I ask them back, can you explain to me what or who created atoms and the entire universe? And please don't say god, I've heard that answer one too many times its becoming an excuse. ( No racism/atheism implied ) But I wish to seek out another answer to that happening, and its just as mysterious as our past lives. In the majority of this blog post I am going to be talking about my opinion of guesses of what I was in my past lives because of the frequent dreams I have been having and also the close cut visions on occasion.

A poet, in the age when pantaloons were in fashion. He would be single at that age, and living across the country site where fluffly cows indulged in the flowly grass plains. I believe during this time, he have died of in depression and suicide due to the fact that a poem he made did not become published and it was his goal to achieve it, but he failed. The visions of the poem seems blurry but all I knew was that the title is "Candlelight", the rest of the poem seems blurry.

A little indian girl about 7, living along side a strong and busy river. One day she was washing an old cloth that her aunt gave her and the current accidently sweeped away the green cloth. Slowly she jumped into the water only to be swept by the current itself. She survived drowing and ended up in a near jungle, but I remembered something tucked at her waist and pulled her into the water which I like to use as an excuse to explain my aquaphobia.

A woman robed in brown, she was part of an alley gang and the country was a dangerous place to be in at that time, where an assasination could occur at any given time. She seems to be running from two men dressed in darkish brown clothes and both carrying knifes and is pursueing her. She runs to the church and there she lays praying for her life with tears in her eyes. But with a red splash the vision ends there.

These are the three lives that I have always invisioned and I feel that each of their deaths and story contributes something to my present personality and feelings for things in my life. Perhaps everyone has the same feeling as me? Maybe they are too shy to express it due to the fact it is unexplained. Or perhaps they do not know how to understand and describe these feelings. But always remember that each of these feelings are very precious, you now, are creating your own story, and perhaps resurrection would have you feel these feelings again. Just because its unexplained doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

Labels: sweet

It is close to midnight over here and my eyelids feels like bricks now. But I have a sudden urge to publish this last post before I hit the hay. I've did some research on William Shakespeare and I am just amazed at his work. I've been inspired by many of his works and plays. But the thing that intrigues me are his sonnets.

Sonnets is a poem which is arranged in a strict order. I am not sure about the rules of sonnets but I really felt like writing 30 sonnets as a start. I plan to make it to 130 atleast before I get bored of poetry. I don't think I would never honestly get bored of poetry though, it has been a part of my life and I have grown a flair for writing in everything english.

Compared to the wonderful and literate writers we have today, I am nothing but a small pebble in a big and rocky world. I am still a little rough around the edges and I still need some polishing. Perhaps in a few years after my SPM, after my driver's license, after settling into my college or university I would be able to finish this dream of completing this 130 sonnets.

I imagine each and every single sonnet as a jar where you could keep various objects inside. These objects represents my emotions, feelings and memories in my life. I wish to preserve these precious memories so that one day, long after I am gone, my flair of writing would still survive and thrive in the pages of many literature books.

What a dream that would be! I just hope it gets fulfilled. But as the saying goes 'God can't help you if you can't help yourself'. So I must slowly work my way to the top with great tenacity. I am still young and theres alot more obstacles ahead of me but rest assured, I am not going to let anything stand in the way of me fulfilling my humble wish.

Labels: sweet

Some of us have them, and some of us don't. Most of us call it a manifestation of our childhood desires most of us call it the traumatic result of a tragic childhood experience. Either way, I am here to confess that I am one of these people who had an imaginary friend, No name.

To experts, No name is said to be the manifestation of my imagination. But hes all too real for me. No he doesn't have a pink coat and run around with a fluffly tail. To me hes just invisible, but I could sense it if hes around. When I was young, he was a helpful bit and accompanied me when my parents were at work. But recently I've grown up and I've learned its time to ignore these manifestation. And they usually do disappear, but no, not No name.

Instead to me, I believe he had merged with my emotion of hatred, grudge and vengence. Every single time he is around I would hear a small voice telling me pessimistic ideas. I have learnt to adapt and live with this 'voice' but I just though I would like to express my feelings towards this entity.

During one night I had a nightmare about No name, I saw him dangling in mid air with a rope around his neck, he looks about nine. People were all in outfits from the victorian era, and they all seemed angry and happy at the same time at No name's suffering. Right at the moment I woke up with a strong heat flash and a few dash of migraines and panic attacks - I couldn't sleep well that night.

After doing some research, I've found out that accused 'witches' and anyone afflicted were to be hanged and burned between February 1692 and May 1693. Perhaps it was instinct? I instantly began looking at my own reflection in the mirror and told 'No name' that it was time to move on, it was time to let go of past grudges and go for the light ahead in the future. After several hours of reminiscing, I smiled. I knew I had done a good deed, and 'No name' have rested in peace. Was he a spirit walking on Earth hoping to find love? Or was he just a manifestation of my childhood experiences? We would never know, but rest assured a part of him would always be inside of me, it might be strange to some, or down right terrifying to others. But keep in mind, that you might have your own manifestations without you knowing.

"The mind has a mind of its own" - Quote by some dead guy.

Ah one of my most looked forward holidays, the chinese version of halloween, ghost festival. It is a day where the "gate" of the spirit world opens and allows ghosts to roam free for that one night. ( I think, atleast thats what my mom told me. ) It is a night where they go around and eat the already prepared treats by fellow believers but sometimes, its more than just the disappearance of a cupcake on a plate.

The days near but before the ghost festival, you would notice all the 'bad boys' suddenly becoming good because most of them believe that talking bad during the night will have a spirit tormenting them. Well if ghosts DOES exist and it IS a soul, I guess that does sound logical ( in a way. ) but it is sure is funny when you observe how they will try to have abstinence over what they usually say.

I absolutely adore these kinds of festivals where we celebrate the supernatural. Don't look at me as a superstitious freak, but I am actually really curious at either its real or not. Well, in any way I still don't wish to meet the dead at night ! I mean can you imagine, you washing the dishes and all of the sudden appears out a ghost that says "Hi.", I'll freak and probably stay an imsomniac for the rest of my life.

Well anyways, always respect the dead whether you believe it or not. I mean honestly, there has to be a place we go after death right? Atleast that's the theory ..